||[Mar. 8th, 2005|05:43 pm]
kick me in the jimmy
i have major trust issues. i have always had a very hard time letting my guard down, even among good friends and family. lately this has been bumming me out to no end, as i've been married 3 weeks today, and i still am having trouble trusting my wife. this is not totally my fault, as she kind of cheated on me before we were married (thus the "Lija is a waste of life.." post from a while ago). part of me knows that she loves me and wouldn't do anything to hurt me, but that was how i felt when she did it. sure, things are different now (hell, we're MARRIED) but it keeps going through my head. once trust is lost, does it ever come back? i guess i'll find out. in general, i don't trust women in relationships. i've seen so many examples of stupid bitches who'll suck some guy's dick and then call their boyfriends and tell them "i love you baby". it's fucking hard to love somebody without reservations when you have reservations. whenever it came to a choice between her ex and me, she always chose HIM. i keep flashing back to this shit and wondering "why would you marry me if you want someone else more?" of course, i know the answer to this one, and it AIN'T love.|
i fucking HATE being the second choice.
i fucking HATE the fact that we were married out of necessity.
i fucking HATE letting this mess my life up.
no matter what, married or not, i live for myself.
this is my shit to dig through and i will.
there's nothing and no one i can't live without.
i am colder than ever before. my apathy grows daily. i am strong. i am weak.
i must not lose heart.
thanks, bob marley